You follow the Gnollish Crossdresser into a room which is mostly dominated with a complex, inert machine. “We invented this to make breakfast for us,” he says, “because that’s what super‐intelligent people do. But we just can’t make it work.”
You look it over. “Ah, I see,” you say, “this keychain will fit perfectly between the toaster and the chicken. The chicken will attack it, because it’s shiny, and then lay an egg. It’ll fall into this…” you quickly tie the harem pants across two support poles… “and then roll over to the stove. But how to light the stove…”
“Yes,” the knoll replies, “if only we had some goofballs… they go up in flame at the slightest application of heat.”
“Goofballs it is, then!” you put the goofballs under the stove, where a conveyor belt will bring a match after dragging it across an old army boot to light it. “Now, we just need some power.” You notice a bicycle seat and pedals hooked into the machine. “Hold on just one second.”
You run back to the Seaside Town and grab the friendly hobo, who willingly goes with you because you gave him the meat. “How’d you like a steady job?” you ask him, when you’re both back inside the Knoll.
“Well, I reckon that’d be all right,” he says. “So I just sit here and pedal? I can do that. S’long as I have full medical and dental benefits.” He pauses, then laughs. “Nah, just kiddin’. Just pay me some meat and the occasional bottle of Mad Train Wine and I’ll be fine.” He rubs his hands together. “Sure is cold in here, though”
“Take these mittens!” You give the hobo the eXtreme Mittens. He starts pedaling and the machine cooks up two eggs, sunny‐side up, some toast, and a side of angst. “Looks like it needs some fine‐tuning,” the gnoll says, “but it works! Thank you, adventurer! Since you helped us so much, I will tell you one of the deep dark secrets of the knoll.” He leans forward and whispers in your ear: “Osborne acted alone.”
“What?”
“Years ago, we found a headless bat outside of our door. People have long speculated that its head was bitten off by two or three people, possibly with the help of the Penguin Mafia. But we know the truth – Osborne acted alone. It is a secret we only reveal to our closest friends.”
“Okay … I guess I’ll be going, then.”
Congratulations! You’ve employed a hobo, found a Plot Device, beat up on some nasty monsters, and completed a quest for the Council! Truly, a choose‐your‐own‐adventurer is you!
If you had fun playing around with this, do try http://www.kingdomofloathing.com. It’s a lot like this, only more interactive, has a chat, and is harder to set on fire. And it’s as free as something that doesn’t cost any money!