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*Okay, that kind of assumes that you don’t have an
internet connection at home, otherwise Kingdom of
Loathing itself would be the home game. So, maybe this
is “The Not At Home Game”, or possibly “The At Work
Game”, although lots of people play Kingdom of Loathing
at work, too.
How about I just call it “The Somewhere Where You
Don’t Have An Internet Connection Game”? Actually,
you’re probably reading this in your hotel room at the
San Diego Comic Con, so let’s call it “The Hotel Room
At The San Diego Comic Con (Assuming Your Hotel
Room Doesn’t Get Internet) Game”. That’s pretty good.
|
Your head pounds like the largest and most arrhythmic
hippy drum circle ever as you slowly regain consciousness.
You’re lying in a puddle of vomit in a sleazy back‐alley
somewhere. You don’t know if it’s your own vomit
or someone else’s… in fact, you’re not sure of much of
anything, up to and including where you are,
how you got here, or even – dun dun dunnnn! – who you are!
As you lie there pondering your fate, a half‐orc hobo
shuffles up to you. “Hey buddy… you got any meat?”
“Meat?” you ask, “What… why would I be carrying
around meat?”
“Ah, I see,” replies the hobo, grinning toothlessly. “You
must have amnesia. That’s common in these situations
– it offers a reasonable context for the large amount of
exposition that is necessary to explain the backstory.
Meat, you see, is what we use for currency around here.
We also use it to smith weapons, fuel our automobiles,
and as a sticky paste that can be used to glue objects
together. You got any?”
“Here? Where is here?”
“Why, this is the Kingdom of Loathing, friend. And by
your garb, I can see that an adventurer is you!”
As the opening theme music starts to play, the following
choices present themselves to you:
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1
You are attacked by a spooky vampire! He
wants to saaaahhhk your blaaaahd. He’s a
terrifying apparition, even though he talks like
a cross between Arnold Schwarzenegger and
Count Chocula.
You manage to get the jump on him, but he shrugs off your
feeble blows and uses his spooky hypnotic eyes on you to
make you smack yourself in the head. Ow! Oof! Argh!
You lose the fight. You slink away, dejected and humiliated.
You’ve had the crap beaten out of you. You’re going to
need some more crap. Well, actually, you’re going to
need some skills if you want to beat this guy.
2
You start to sing the very long, very sad song about
how hard it is to hold onto a candle when it’s raining in
Boozember. The harem girls hold up lit torches and sway
back and forth. After about ten minutes, right as you’re
about to hit the awesome guitarrr solo, you look around
and notice that everyone’s fast asleep.
You look around for the Plot Device and don’t see it.
Now what?
3
Are you in possession of a pair of Knob Goblin Harem
Girl pants?
4
The suspicious‐looking guy hands you
the bottle. “Excellent, man. You need
any more, you just let me know, I’ll hook
you up.”
He disappears into the shadows.
5
“Very well,” Gunther says. “First, you must prove your
worth by doing a series of bizarre and menial tasks.”
Gunther makes you carry a pot of beans across the room,
then arm‐wrestle the janitor, then eat an entire 72‐ounce
steak in one sitting. As you sit alternately rubbing your
sore muscles and your distended stomach, Gunther gives
you a hearty slap on the back. “Well done!” he says. “Let
me introduce you to Torg, our trainer. He’ show
you the basics of being a mighty, muscular, ‘mazing
Seal Clubber.”
“Seal Clubber?” you ask. “But I like seals… they’re such
cute little animals, especially on Easter and Christmas.”
“No,” Gunther says, “the seals
here are giant, fire‐breathing,
devilish beasts. If you don’t club
them, they’ll eat you alive. Just
let Torg give you the basics before
you ask stupid questions.”
Torg takes you into the training room and teaches you the
basics of weaponsmithing (as well as weaponjonesing).
He also teaches you an attack technique called a “Thrust‐Smack,”
which involves thrusting your seal clubbing club
out and smacking an opponent with it. Which doesn’t
sound revolutionary, but somehow you do it better after
your lessons.
“Looks like you’re ready to go, Seal Clubber,” Torg says.
“If you haven’t already, you should probably visit the
Council and see if they have a quest for you.”
6
The clanking of weights, the bulging of biceps, and the
odor of sweaty people lifting weights and bulging their
biceps assaults your senses as you walk into The Brotherhood
of the Smackdown. A very large man carrying a
very large axe walks up to you, presumably to axe you
some questions. “Greetings, adventurer,” he says. He
sounds a little like an Austrian bodybuilder with a head
cold, but that’s a little tricky to render in text. “My name
is Gunther, the Lord of the Smackdown! Are you here to
learn the mighty muscular ways of our guild?”
7
As you enter the copse of the Deep Fat Friars, you are
ambushed by a W imp. As imps go, he’s not particularly
tough. In fact, he’s not even particularly effectual. He
tries to limp‐wristedly slap you, but you firm‐wristedly
block him.
You start to wind up for a Thrust‐Smack, but realize this
guy’s totally not worth the trouble, and just thump him
on the head with your club instead. He goes out like a
light. BAM! SOCK! CRUNCH!
you win the fight!
You search, but the Obvious Plot Device isn’t here. Hmph.
8
Er, we were just kidding about that. Go back to the front
and pick something else, okay?
9
You follow the path for a while, and come upon a rather
corpulent man in a brown robe, with his head shaved in
a tonsure. He bows to you, and says “Greetings to you,
fellow traveller.”
“Hello,” you reply. “Are you travelling too?”
“Are we not all travellers upon the pathways of life?”
“That’s pretty deep. And you’re pretty fat. You must be
one of the Deep Fat Friars.”
He bows again. “Indeed I am. And I must warn you, our
copse has been beset by foul creatures of the netherworld.
To continue upon this path could mean your doom.”
“Your corpse?”
“No, copse. As in a grove of trees.”
“Ah.”
You thank him for the warning, but continue onward
anyway. How bad could it be?
Here’s your chance to find out:
10
You are attacked by one of the spookiest mummies you’ve
ever seen! Well, that isn’t saying much though, since
you’ve never found mummies to be particularly spooky. I
mean, “Oh noes! I’ll have to walk slightly faster if I want
to escape!”
While you’re standing around mocking it, though, it gets
the jump (or perhaps shamble) on you. It wraps you up
in bandages, then pulls the end of it really fast so you
spin around and fall down. And hit your head on a passing
rock. Ow! Ouch! Ooh!
Fortunately, you recall what Torg taught
you back in section 5, and you work up
a thrust‐smack that knocks the Spooky
Mummy all the way back to BFE. POW!
BAM! SOCKO!
You win the fight
You search around for a while, but can’t
find the Obvious Plot Device anywhere. Darn.
11
You stroll into the Council
of Loathing. You see five
men behind a curiously
large desk regarding you
with a series of stares of various degrees of blankness and
inscrutability. It kind of looks like a little less than half
of Da Vinci’s Last Supper. “Greetings, adventurer,” the
Councilman on the left says. “We have a quest for you.
Don’t worry, it’s not for fire or anything.”
He produces a picture of some kind of bizarre conglomeration
of gears and levers. “This is obviously a device
used for incredibly accurately plotting points on a map.
It was stolen from Degrassi Knoll. The Degrassi Gnolls
are very eager to have it returned. If you can find it for
us, we’ll reward you handsomely. Adventurer, will you
help us find The Obvious Plot Device?”
12
You stand around in the alley for a while longer. There’s
the puddle of unidentified vomit you were lying in. Over
in the corner there’s a large pile of miscellaneous trash.
And look! Is that… yes! A rat!
Such a lovely place. It’s a real shame you didn’t bring your
camera. At least you’ll have fond memories to share with
your grandchildren.
13
You spend a few hours drinking beer and
telling jokes with a bunch of Orcish frat
boys. They find you funny enough to buy
all of your drinks, and they never even
come close to realizing that you’re making
fun of them.
Entertaining, but it doesn’t get you any closer to finding
the Obvious Plot Device.
14
You enter the Department of Shadowy Arts and Crafts
and squint into its dimly lit interior. At first, you think
the place is deserted, but as your ears adjust you hear
faint rustling noises around you.
A hand taps you on the left shoulder, and you whip
around to find no one there. Then you hear a voice
from your right. “Greetings, adventurer,” it says, all oily
charm. You turn and see a man wearing a domino mask.
“My name is Shifty, the Thief Chief. Chief Thief? I’m
never sure which. Anyway, here’s your wallet back. Oh,
and your pants. Are you here to learn the moxious arts of
the Disco Bandit?”
15
“Tell you what, kid,” you say. “It’s all well and good to
face your fears, step up to your rival, and impress the
girl. If you’re in a movie, that is. But this is real life, and
in real life you’re going to get stomped unless you cheat.
How about I arrange for that frat boy to have a little
‘accident?’”
“I don’t know… well, what kind of accident?”
And thus, just as it looks like the poor kid is going to lose
the race, his opponent suddenly catches on fire, turns
into a frog, gets scurvy, then trips and falls. Oops.
16
As you enter the copse of the Deep Fat Friars, a big red
ninja with horns appears before you. “I am the Demoninja,”
he says. “Allow me to demonstrate the myriad ways in
which I can whoop your ass.” He proceeds to slice, dice,
and make julienne fries out of your ass, as promised. Ow!
Argh! Ouch!
You lose the fight. You slink away, dejected and humiliated.
You’ve had the crap beaten out of you. You’re going to
need some more crap. Well, actually, you’re going to
need some skills if you want to beat this guy.
17
In an effort to impress the ladies (or guys, or
whatever you happen to be into), you perform
your famous “Levitating Martini” trick.
Unfortunately, by the time you’ve shown
them the trick enough times to genuinely
impress them, you’re also doing your famous
“Slurred Speech” trick.
No smooches for you. Darn it.
18
Gorgonzola puts you through the Trials of Admittance,
which consist of such tasks as pulling 10 meat out of
his ear, and making a sandwich using only the power
of your mind. Long story short, you pass. Short story
long? Anything by Dickens. Anyway, Gorgonzola smiles
benevolently at you. “Welcome to the League of Chef‐Magi,
Adventurer. I sense that you will make an excellent Pastamancer.”
A female wizard wielding a large
pasta‐spoon approaches and Gorgonzola
introduces her as Brie, the League’s
trainer. Over the net few hours, she
teaches you the basics of Noodlecraft, as
well as an offensive spell called “Minor
Ray of Something”, which will probably
come in handy, otherwise we wouldn’t
have bothered to tell you about it. She then hands you
your official pasta‐spoon, and says “Good luck in your
travels, adventurer. If you haven’t already, I suggest you
visit the Council of Loathing, as they may have a quest or
something for you. They usually do.”
19
You decide that quests and adventures aren’t really what
you’re looking for. Maybe you’ll just wander around
the Kingdom for awhile and see what ha– WHOOPS!
You’ve fallen down an open manhole and been eaten by an
manticore. You respawn outside of the council. Maybe
you should just accept the damn quest,
already. I mean, otherwise, why are you
even reading this?
20
Standing at the edge of Seaside Town, you pull out your
map and consider your options.
Those options are:
- Journey to Degrassi Knoll, where all the trouble started: go to section 48
- Journey to the mysterious Cobb’s Knob: go to section 43
- Journey to the more‐or‐less equally mysterious Distant Woods: go to section 26
- Journey to Mt. McLargehuge, which makes up for its lack of mysteriosity with its largeness and hugeness: go to section 72
21
You stand up on stage, swivel your hips, and start singing.
“It’s completely ordinary / to have someone show affection,”
you sing, making your voice sound as deep and virile as
you can. “It’s completely ordinary / to enjoy the company
of another person.” For some reason, this whips the
harem girls into a frenzy. They start taking off their pants
and throwing them at you! You manage to dodge the flying
clothing through the rest of the song, then grab a pair
of pants in case you need ‘em later.
You acquire an item: Knob Goblin harem pants.
Remember that, because it’s hard to put an inventory screen
in a booklet like this.
While the girls are still swooning, you search the harem
for the Plot Device. It’s not here… now what’re you
going to do?
22
You stroll into the Council of
Loathing. You see five men
behind a curiously large desk
regarding you with a series
of stares of various degrees of
blankness and inscrutability. It
kind of looks like a little less
than half of Da Vinci’s Last
Supper. “Greetings, adventurer,”
the Councilman on the left says. “Ah, I see you’re
not new to the Kingdom. Good to see someone who has
a little experience in the world, if you know what I mean.
We have a quest for you. Don’t worry, it’s not for fire or
anything.”
He produces a picture of some kind of bizarre conglomeration
of gears and levers. “This is obviously a device
used for plotting points on a map with incredible accuracy.
It was stolen from Degrassi Knoll. The Degrassi
Gnolls are very eager to have it returned. If you can find
it for us, we’ll reward you handsomely. Adventurer, will
you help us find The Obvious Plot Device?”
23
A whirling tornado of blades, chains, and spikes suddenly
hurtles toward you from the shadowy corner of the
temple. You think maybe there’s a ninja snowman in the
middle of all that flashing steel, but it’s hard to tell… if
there is, he must have about twelve arms.
He gets the jump on you and
strangles you mercilessly with a
length of chain while simultaneously
skewering your nipple and
your elbow with razor‐sharp blades.
Oof! Ow! Ouch! Owie!
You remember your training and thrust‐SMACK
with your seal‐clubbing club. BIFF! SOCKO! POW!
KABLOOIE!
You wince sympathetically as he accidentally grabs the
bladed end of his weapon instead of the handle, and take
the opportunity to hit him with another solid thrust‐smack!
BOOM! WHACK! KERFLUGGEN!
The snowman falls to the floor, his ridiculously complex
weapon smacking him soundly on the noggin.
You win the fight!
The rest of the Ninja Snowmen bow to you – well, as
well as someone whose body is three big snowballs can
bow. “You have proven yourself in combat, honorable
adventurer,” one says. “You may request anything of us
that we can provide.”
“Do you have the Obvious Plot Device?” you ask. “I
have been charged with returning it to the Knoll.”
“It is with great sorrow that I admit that I have it,”
another Ninja Snowman says. “I thought it was very neat
and shiny, so I stole it from the Knoll. I will return it to
you, then commit ritualistic seppuku.” He hands you
the Plot Device, then looks for somewhere to plug in a
hair‐dryer.
You’ve got the Plot Device! You turn around and skip
out of the Ninja Snowman’s lair.
24
“I don’t have the Plot Device yet,” you say. “I thought I’d
search here and see if it was an inside job.”
“Dummkopf!” the gnoll shouts. “Don’t you think we’ve
already searched the entire knoll? We’re the guys who got
it stolen from us, not the guys who stole it! Get outta
here and don’t come back without it!”
You think that’s a little rude from someone out whom you’re trying to help, but it’s clear you can’t do anything more here.
25
You cross the bridge over the
Orc Chasm, marveling at the
Smut Orcs roiling below you.
Whatever they’re delivering,
you’re sure you don’t want any
of it. As you near the end of
the bridge, you see hideous creatures skulking, lurking,
and sklurking around. It looks like this valley is overrun
by the most unpleasant monsters you’ve ever seen.
At least they’re not rushing up to attack you. No, wait…
yes, yes they are.
26
You journey to the Distant Woods (which turn out to
be aptly named, but at least they aren’t called the You
Can’t Get There From Here Woods). The breeze is cool,
sunlight filters through the canopy of trees, giving it a
soothing, ethereal greenish tinge, and all around you, you
hear the merry chirping of sparrows and other violent,
filthy animals that would no doubt love to tear you limb
from limb and feed your bloody carcass to their hellish
spawn. All in all, it’s a lovely day.
You come to a fork in the path, and a rough signpost
offers you three choices:
27
You wander into the Treasury and see Knob Goblin Elite
Guardsmen standing around piles of meat, while Knob
Goblin bean counters furiously count hills of beans (even
though they don’t amount to much). As you sneak into
the room, the scenery suddenly shifts around you – looks
like you’re entering a combat round!
28
You sneak through the harem, congratulating
yourself on your sneaky stealthiness.
Your self‐back‐patting is abruptly cut short
when you hear a chorus of girlish squeals
behind you and suddenly find yourself
surrounded by harem girls.
“It’s The Bard! It’s The Bard!” They shriek. They carry you
on their shoulders into a room with a small stage at one
end. Someone shoves an acoustic guitarrr (the favorite
instrument of all pirates) into your hands.
“Play a song! Play a song!” They chant. Since you don’t
want to get caught and thrown to the Elite Guardsmen,
you’d better play. You try to remember a few of the tunes
you used to play before you got complete and total amnesia.
(I bet you forgot you had amnesia, didn’t you?)
29
Do you have a pair of eXtreme mittens?
30
You’ve been attacked by an Elite
Guardsman, among the fiercest and
most loyal of the Goblin King’s
Guards. He’s so bug his plate‐mail
is actually platter‐mail.
He gets the jump on you and swings his mighty polearm
in a whooshing arc, catching you square in the nipple.
Ouch! Oof! Ow!
You concentrate your starchy magic and call forth a
Minor Ray of Gene. The Guardsman staggers and looks
confused, then walks into a wall. Looks like he was too
educated stupid to avoid it.
You win the fight!
The other Knob Goblins cower after you defeat one of
their own, so you’re free to search the Treasury. It doesn’t
look like the Plot Device is here. Great, now what are
you gonna do?
31
You search deep within your infinite pockets for the Plot
device.. You do know you have infinitely large pockets,
right? It’s pretty much a given in games like this. You
close your hand upon it, and say “Excuse me while I
whip this out.” The gnolls all cover their eyes, then relax
when you bring out the Device.
“I do believe this is the little trinket you’ve been looking
for,” you say. “And rest assured, I gave the culprits a
sound beating — WHOOP!” Your grip slips and the
Device falls from your hands!
Make a dexterity roll on a d20 against your primary stat.
Just kidding.
A Gnollish Crossdresser leaps forward and
grabs the Device before it can hit the floor.
“Thanks for bringing this back, butterfingers,”
he says. “There is one more thing you can
help us out with, if you have a mind to.
Another of our ridiculously intricate machines
has broken down. Can you help fix it?”
Did you give some meat to the Hobo?
32
You wander into the kitchens under Cobb‘s Knob. You
see many Knob Goblin chefs making tasty dishes out of
Knob Sausage and other equally appealing ingredients.
As you squint through the steam and your ears adjust
to the clanking of spoons on pots, the scenery suddenly
shifts around you – looks like you‘re entering a combat
round!
33
After a short stroll through the Woods, you come to the
local wretched hive of scum and villainy that is the Typical
Tavern. Well, okay, it’s not all that wretched really, and
the Orcish Frat Boys (while they do tend to be dicks)
aren’t exactly what you’d call ‘villainous’, and they clean
the scum off the glasses regularly every fortnight. So,
I guess it’s the local reasonably‐decent hive of slight dinginess
and, um, drunk frat boys.
Anyway, so you’re in a bar. What do you do?
34
As you enter the copse of the Deep Fat Friars, you are
ambushed by a P Imp. Lemme tell you, this imp be stylin’.
He advances toward you, tossing his cane from hand
to hand, and says something about you having his meat.
He starts to pimpslap you, but you nimbly dodge his
blow and counter with a particularly vicious Disco Eye‐Poke,
proving once again that pimpin’ ain’t easy. POW!
BIFF! BLAM!
You win the fight!
You make a thorough search
of the area, but don’t find the
Obvious Plot Device. That
figures. It’ll probably be in the
last place you look, you know.
35
You’re fighting an Anime Smiley.
This innocent combination of Shift+6 and the underscore
has somehow mutated into a freakish grinning face.
OMG kawaiiiii!!!111! In addition to being evil and cute,
it’s also a joke that’s much, much funnier if you’re online,
and current in gamer and Japanese culture. You’re definitely
not the former, and may or may not be the latter.
What I’m trying to say, here, is cut me some slack, okay?
It gets the jump on you.
omg it zerg rushes j00 in teh nipple. kekekekeke! Ouch!
Ooooof! Yipe yipe yipe!
You flail madly with your arms and legs, but can’t seem
to connect.
LOL it pwnz0r3d j00!!!!!111!!!!(one)!!(eleven)
It appears you’ve lost the fight, if my translation’s correct.
You’ve had the crap beaten out of you. You’re going to
need some more crap. Well, actually, you’re going to
need some skills if you want to beat this guy.
36
“Of course,” you say. “This sounds like an adventurous
quest, and adventures and quests are what I live for. Er,
are the things for which I live.”
“You should probably pick a guild and talk to them
before you go,” the Council says. “Visit the League of
Chef‐Magi to become a Pastamancer, The Brotherhood
of the Smackdown to become a mighty Seal Clubber, and
the Department of Shadowy Arts and Crafts to become a
moxious Disco Bandit.” One of them hands you a map of
the Kingdom and politely pushes you out the door.
37
Lars burst through the doors to the boudoir, his chest
heaving, his sword at the ready. He thought he was prepared
for whatever he might find there, but he was still
taken aback when he parted the heavy curtains around
the giant four‐post bed. Hilda lay there, her bosoms
heaving, her milky‐white skin gleaming in the moonlight.
“Take me Lars,” she said. “You know what you have been
searching for all these years. I will offer it to you freely.”
“But my lady,” Lars stammered, “I am unaccustomed to
the ways of women. I am a warrior, and I have always
been such. I know only blood and death.”
“Then come, take my virgin blood, and give me my little
death,” Hilda moaned –
Wait a minute, Where the hell are you? How did you
get here? You may ask yourself that.
I’d strongly suggest you back away slowly – to oh, let’s
say Section 20 – and tell no one what you saw here.
38
You’re fighting a Knob Goblin Barbecue
Team, a deadly combination
of a neophyte Knob Goblin Chef
and a magically animated barbecue
grill. Sometimes these things are
friendly, but this one appears to be
pretty aggressive. In fact, it gets the
jump on you.
The Chef dips his barbecue tongs into the coals of the
grill, then tries to grab your arm with them, but you
sidestep with panache. Then you put down the panache.
You thrust and smack with your seal‐clubbing club, just
like Torg taught you to. SOCKO! BIFF! KAPOW! BAM!
You win the fight!
You gruffly address the rest of the apprentice chefs.
“Trip‐trap!” you say, then decide to be a little less gruff,
“Okay, guys, where’s the Obvious Plot Device?”
They claim it’s not here, and a quick search reveals that
they’re telling the truth. Great, now what?
39
You’re fighting one of the Ninja Snowmen of Mt.
McLargeHuge. These ninjas are as cold as ice, and willing
to sacrifice your love. And by love, I mean life.
He gets the jump on you, then focuses his chi and hits
you with a chi’s ball. Ow! Oof! Ouch!
You reach up and poke the Ninja Snowman right in his
coal‐button eye. BIFF! SOCKO! BAM! KABONG!
You win the fight!
The rest of the Ninja Snowmen bow to you – well, as
well as someone whose body is three big snowballs can
bow. “You have proven yourself in combat, honorable
adventurer,” one says. “You may request anything of us
that we can provide.”
“Do you have the Obvious Plot
Device?” you ask. They put their
snowy heads together and confer.
“We regret to inform you that we
have not seen it,” one says. “I’m
afraid we are not the snowmen
you are looking for.” He waves a twiggy arm and you’re
convinced he’s telling the truth.
40
You play a beat on the back of the acoustic guitarrr and
speak rapidly over it. “I like ample posteriors and am
incapable of prevarication,” you say. “You other goblins
can’t dissent – my mistress is advanced in the rear!”
The harem girls wave their hands in the air indifferently.
Apparently, they just don’t care about this tune – you
probably shouldn’t tell anybody it’s your song. You keep
playing as the room slowly clears, then take the opportunity
to search for the Plot Device.
Looks like it isn’t here – now what’re you gonna do?
41
Roaring mightily, a Wolfman leaps at you
from the bushes, and lycanthropes you right
in the kidney! Argh! Oof! Ow!
Realizing that you’ll have to make use of
your Disco Bandit skills to have any chance
of staying alive, you send him reeling with a
Disco Eye‐Poke and follow up with a vicious
kick to the nards. Yep, Wolfman’s got nards.
BAM! POW! BARF!
You win the fight!
You grab the half‐unconscious wolfman by the scruff of
the neck and shake him a bit. “All right, dogbreath! I’m
looking for the Obvious Plot Device, and you’re gonna
tell me where to find it, see? Don’t make me use this
rolled‐up newspaper!”
The wolfman whines and points to a freshly‐dug patch
of earth under a nearby tree. You grub through it for a
minute, turning up a couple of soup bones, a chewed‐up
tennis ball, some grubs, and… the Obvious Plot Device!
Woo‐hoo!
42
Shifty puts you through a series of trials to gauge how
moxious you are. You steal a wallet from another guild
member, swipe a beer from the bar behind the bar (the bar
behind the bar growls at you, but you manage to escape),
and steal your own pants without alerting yourself. After
you finish, Shifty introduces you to a piece of furniture
in the corner, which stands up and reveals itself as a very
stealthy fellow thief.
“Greetings, adventurer,” he says. “My name is Lefty.”
He shakes your hand with the steel hook he has instead
of a right hand. He then trains you in the art of mixing
flammable beverages, and theaches you art of the Disco
Eye‐Poke. You learn that in a fight, a Disco Bandit will
strike a pose with one hand pointing straight in the air
and the other pointing straight down on the other side,
then use the higher hand to viciously poke his (or her)
opponent in the eye. That seems like fighting dirty to
you, but then you realize that’s exactly the point.
“Congratulations, Disco Bandit,” Lefty says. “Looks like
you’re ready to go. If you haven’t seen the Council yet,
you should talk to them. They might have a quest for
you, hint hint.”
43
You wander into the curiously unguarded interior of
Cobb’s Knob. You note that the place is a lot bigger
on the inside than the outside, but it smells just as bad.
There’s an empty suit of armor standing in one corner
and lit torches spaced around the interior of the entrance
cave; you know, all those homey little touches that really
make a dirt‐walled hovel a home.
You see three different hallways branching out from the
entryway, each with a sign written in the eldritch, ancient
runes of the Knob Goblins. Thankfully, for some reason
the eldritch, ancient runes of the Knob Goblins look
exactly like normal text. It’s even in the same font as the
rest of the book you’re reading.
44
You’re fighting a Knob Goblin Bean Counter, one of the
accountants of Cobb’s Knob. They haven’t been as busy
since inflation pushed beans out of the Kingdom’s currency.
He’s certainly not too busy to get the jump on you.
He tries to bean you with a sack full of beans, but fails.
Looks like he’s a has‐bean. In response, you thrust and
smack with your seal‐clubbing club, just
like Torg taught you to. SOCKO! BIFF!
KAPOW! BAM!
You win the fight!
The other Knob Goblins cower after you
defeat one of their own, so you’re free to
search the Treasury. It doesn’t look like the Plot Device
is here. What are we going to do now, man? It’s a bug
hunt! A bug hunt!
45
A hollow voice says, “FOOL.” You know what they
say about people who cheat in games they’re playing by
themselves, right?
46
Although at first you have trouble seeing it because of all
the trees, you eventually come to the Spooky Forest. Let
me tell you, it doesn’t look like the sort of place that’s
likely to be inhabited by gamboling fauns and nymphs.
If it ever was, they probably all got eaten, possibly by the
trees. You’re not adverse to a little gamboling yourself, but
in this place you’d better hedge your bets. And speaking
of hedges, that one appears to be concealing something
that’s getting ready to pounce at you.
My mistake, it is pouncing at you.
47
“Listen, kid. That frat orc isn’t your rival, this mountain
is. And that girl isn’t the love of your life, this mountain
is. If you want to win this contest, you’ve got to look this
mountain straight in the eye, grab it by the throat, and
show it who’s the boss!”
He looks at you, puzzled. “That doesn’t make any sense
whatsoever.”
“Who’s the boss?”
“Look, I…”
“Who’s the boss?”
“Tony Da–”
“WHO’S THE BOSS?!”
“I am! I am!”
“Damn right you are! Now get up there and prove it!
Prove it to your rival, your girl, and your mountain!”
The kid grabs his snowboard and heads for the top of
the run at top speed, then knocks himself out on one of
the support stanchions. After they’ve carried him away
on a stretcher, you find his mittens on the ground and
pocket them.
You acquire an item: eXtreme Mittens. We didn’t code
an inventory window for this booklet, so you’ll have to
remember that for yourself.
48
You saunter into Degrassi Knoll.
Well, actually, it’s more of a
mosey, with just a hint of sashay. You should probably
work on that. The knoll, though not much more than a
series of caves underground, is kept clean and tidy by the
knoll gnolls. They’ve even cleaned off the debris from the
book depository (where they crowned the King of Cuba)
that used to stand atop the knoll.
Even the toilets are clean, thanks to the Gnollish
Plungermasters, who are skilled in that art. They’re very tidy
bowl gnolls. Gnolls, in general, are renowned for their
handiness with gears and tools of all sorts, as well as their
short temper and penchant for theatrics.
You are accosted by a guard‐gnoll who regards you
suspiciously. “What are you doing here, adventurer? Have
you come to return our Obvious Plot Device?”
49
You step out of the Sleazy Back Alley and into what must
be the low‐rent district of town (assuming the entire
town isn’t low‐rent). A suspicious‐looking guy comes
up to you. “Hey, man. You, uh, you wanna try some
goofballs? First bottle’s free, man.”
“Er, no thanks,” you reply. “Can you tell me where I am?”
“Sure, man. This is Seaside Town, capital city of the
Kingdom of Loathing. Population: several. Major
exports: adventurers. And goofballs.” He rattles a bottle
of pills at you. “You sure you don’t want any?”
50
“Oh well,” the Gnollish Crossdresser says. “At least
you’ve returned our Plot Device and completed your
quest. I mean, that’s a pretty good job you did, there.
You should feel good about yourself.” The other gnolls
join in with qualified, subdued praise. You emerge into
the sunlight with “nice going, man,” and “not bad, dude,”
echoing in your ears.
Congratulations! A quest‐finisher is you!
If you had fun playing around with this, do
try http://www.kingdomofloathing.com. It’s a
lot like this, only more interactive, has a chat,
and is harder to set on fire. And it’s as free as
something that doesn’t cost any money!
51
You’re fighting a Knob Goblin Elite Guardsman, who is
among the fiercest and most loyal of the Goblin King’s
Guards. He’s so bug his plate‐mail is actually platter‐mail.
He gets the jump on you and throws his shield like a
frisbee. It makes a pleasant ringing sound as it caroms off
your head. Ouch! Ugh! Ow! Ouch!
You lose the fight. You slink away, dejected and humiliated.
You’ve had the crap beaten out of you. You’re going to
need some more crap. Well, actually, you’re going to
need some skills if you want to beat this guy.
52
Did you get the goofballs from the suspicious‐Looking Guy?
53
You search your pockets, and discover that you are in fact
carrying a few small slabs of raw meat around with you.
You give a couple of them to the hobo, and he favors you
with another snaggletoothed grin. “Thanks, buddy! I owe
ya one!”
He shuffles out of the alley (and into the sunset). Perhaps
you should follow his example – it really smells terrible in here.
54
You’re fighting a Knob Goblin Chef. He may
look harmless, but he wields a mean ladle. He
gets the jump on you.
He whirls around with a ladleful of hot soup
and splashes it all over your bung. It hurts
more than a ladle bit. Ooof! Ow! Ouch! Ow!
You flail helplessly with your hands and feet, but can’t
seem to connect.
He whips off his chef’s hat and smacks you across the face
with it. Boy, Are, Dee does it hurt! Arch! Ouch! Ooh!
You lose the fight. You slink away, dejected and humiliated.
You’ve had the crap beaten out of you. You’re going to
need some more crap. Well, actually, you’re going to
need some skills if you want to beat this guy.
55
You’re fighting a Knob Goblin Bean Counter, one of
the accountants of Cobb’s Knob. They haven’t been as
busy since inflation pushed beans out of the Kingdom’s
currency.
He gets the jump on you and smacks you upside the noggin
with the weird little visor he’s wearing. I’d advise you
to avoid that in the future. Oof! Ow! Ouch!
You remember your Disco Bandit training and viciously
poke him in the eye. BAM! SOCKO! BIFF!
You win the fight!
The other Knob Goblins cower after you defeat one of
their own, so you’re free to search the Treasury. It doesn’t
look like the Plot Device is here. So what do you do,
hotshot? What do you do?
56
You’re fighting a XXX Pr0n
This is a shellfish who has been sucked into the seamy
underbelly of adult marine life entertainment. You find
yourself hoping his trench coat stays closed.
He gets the jump on you. Or, y’know, the swim.
He starts to smack
you with his fishtail,
but you distract
him with a fishy
tale, then reach up
and poke him right in
his eye! His eyestalk does
limp and he scurries away,
embarrassed.
You search the grounds for grounds to suspect that the
Plot Device is here, but can’t find anything.
¿Y ahora, que?
57
You stealthily sneak up the mountain to the
not‐particularly‐secret Lair of the Ninja Snowmen. You see a
serene monastery hewn out of the very living rock. Wait,
I guess that means the hills are
alive after all. My mistake. You
sneak inside and see dozens of
magically animated snowmen
wearing ninja masks. They’re all
training, using their twiggy little
arms to fling shuriken, juggle
nunchuku, and eat sashimi.
None of them look likely to turn and shout “HAPPY
BIRTHDAY!” or anything. Still, you can’t underestimate
the comedic element of something without legs trying to
do a roundhouse kick.
Suddenly, one of the snowmen spots you and raises the
alarm! Looks like it’s time to throw down or get down‐thrown
yourself.
58
As you enter the copse of the
Deep Fat Friars, you are ambushed
by a G Imp, dressed entirely in
black leather bondage gear. He
giggles in a way you’re not entirely
comfortable with. With which
you’re not entirely comfortable.
He gets the jump on you, and pulls out a cat‐o‐nine tails,
but can hit you with nary a tail. He should probably
unzip the eyeholes on his mask.
You concentrate on Brie’s teachings, and call forth a
Minor Ray of Gravel, which teaches the Imp the gravity of
the situation by putting him in his grave. A grave lesson,
indeed. BAM! ZAP! KERPOW!
You win the fight!
After much rejoicing (yaaay) you search the area, but
you don’t find anything that resembles the Obvious Plot
Device. So, uh, now what?
59
Your nasal passages are assaulted (and peppered) by the
scent of mystical herbs and spices as you enter the League
of Chef‐Magi. The interior is dimly‐lit and filled with the
sound of rustling papers and clanking saucepans. A man
in wizard’s robes steps up to you. “Hello, I am Gorgonzola,
Chief Chef of the League. Are you here to join us,
and learn the secrets of the ancient culinary arts?”
60
Do you have a keychain with the SCFCU’s web address on it?
61
“Of course,” you say. “This sounds like an adventurous
quest, and adventures and quests are what I live for. Er,
are the things for which I live.”
“Go forth, then! Or, y’know, first. You seem to be
prepared, and you’ve even learned that prepositions are
not something to end a sentence with. The Obvious
Plot Device might be somewhere in Cobb’s Knob, or it
might have been spirited away to the Spooky Forest. Or,
it might be somewhere on Mt. McLargehuge. You should
start your search at one of those places.” He hands you a
map of the Kingdom and politely pushes you out the door.
62
You’ve been attacked
by a Spam Witch!
You look into this
seductive creature’s
eyes and feel as if she
can make your sword
longer, your bank account bigger, your waist smaller, and
show you the secret habits of barnyard animals. You fight
to resist her charms… and she gets the jump on you.
She offers you a million meat (which she embezzled from
the Council of Loathing) if you’ll hit yourself in the head.
You do. Ouch! Ooof! Ow!
You call forth a Minor Ray of Firewalls. A wall of fire
sweeps across the battlefield, burning the witch like she
was made of wood (or possibly a duck). BAM! ZAP!
ZORCH!
You win the Fight!
“Now… tell me where the Plot Device is!” you shout at
the ashes of the witch. They don’t respond. Maybe you
should ask questions first, then immolate. Even though
immolation is the sincerest form of flattery.
What’ll ya have?
63
In the icy wastes of Mount McLargehuge, where the most
elite of ninja snowman assassins are trained, even the guy
who mops the dojo floor is fully capable of kicking your
ass. And here he is, getting ready to do just that. Try not
to bleed everywhere – you’ll only make him angrier.
He gets the jump on you and
sweeps you off your feet. I
mean literally, not in a nice
romantic way. Ouch! Ooof! Ow!
You concentrate and release
a Ray of Spilled Milk. The
Ninja Snowman starts crying,
unadvisedly.
You win the fight!
The rest of the Ninja Snowmen bow to you – well, as
well as someone whose body is three big snowballs can
bow. “You have proven yourself in combat, honorable
adventurer,” one says. “You may request anything of us
that we can provide.”
“Do you have the Obvious Plot Device?” you ask. They
put their snowy heads together and confer.
“We regret to inform you that we have not seen it,” one
says. “I’m afraid we are not the snowmen you are looking
for.” He waves a twiggy arm and you’re convinced he’s
telling the truth.
64
You saunter (or possibly mosey) over to the shadowy
cloaked figure in the corner. “Greetings, adventurer.”
he says. “I am Roberto, representative of the Shadowy
Cloaked Figure in the Corner Union, Local 523. It is
well that you approached me, for I have a tale to tell
that will chill your blood, and a quest that will win you
unimaginable glory.”
“Thanks,” you say, “But this booklet isn’t big enough for a
lot of complicated digressions, and anyway I’ve got all the
quest I can handle right now.”
“Are you sure? The glory really is totally unimaginable
– believe me, I’ve tried.”
“Sorry, I’ll have to take a raincheck.”
“Well, all right. If you ever change your mind, you know
where to find me. Here, have a souvenir keychain. It’s got
the SCFCU’s web address on it.”
You acquire an item: SCFCU keychain. We don’t have an
inventory screen in this book, so it’s up
to you to remember that.
You pocket the keychain and mosey (or
saunter) back to the bar.
65
You’re fighting a Knob Goblin Assistant Chef. He
proudly wields his set of Neophyte Tongs, and whistles a
happy cooking song as he prepares to beat you senseless.
He gets the jump on you and beats you with those tongs.
Those tong, tong, tong tong tongs. Oof! Ow! Ouch!
You call forth a Minor Ray of Avocados, which buries
your opponent in rudimentary guacamole. BIFF!
SOCKO! POW! WHACK! BARF!
He then tries to poke you with his tongs, but you make
fun of his silly hat until he starts crying, and then call
forth a Minor Ray of Blenders. Your opponent gets frappéd.
ZAP! BLAM! BIFF!
You win the fight!
You gruffly address the rest of the chefs in the kitchen.
“Trip‐trap!” you say, then decide that’s maybe too gruff.
“Okay, you guys, where did you hide the Obvious Plot
Device?” you say, ominously waving your pasta spoon.
All the chefs point to one Knob Goblin hiding in the
corner. “Dave did it,” they say. Dave disappears behind
one of the stoves and reappears holding the Obvious Plot Device!
“I’m s‐sorry,” he says, “but it’s so very pretty and I just
wanted to have it for a little while… I swear I was gonna
give it back.”
“That’s okay,” you say. “I think we’ve all learned a valuable
lesson today, haven’t we, kids? Mainly that stealing
will cause the maiming of several people near you, while
you yourself won’t suffer any consequences. Now you
know – and that’s at least 50% of the battle.”
You grab the Plot Device and walk out of Cobb’s Knob.
- Specifically, you walk to Degrassi Knoll, which is over in Section 48
66
You’re fighting a Flaming Troll. The
smell of brimstone, the hulking body
and dragging claws, the sound of “stfu
d00d u r teh suk” – yup, this is
definitely the kind of troll you want to
cross, or doublecross.
It gets the jump on you and flames you
in the brainpan with a clever combination
of fisticuffs and insults. Ooof! Ow!
You start to calmly and intelligently counter every
argument the troll is making, but then figure a thrust‐smack
would me much more effective. PAF! BIFF! KASMOOSH!
You win the fight!
Though the troll struggles, you pin him to the ground
and shout “tell me about the Obvious Plot Device,
n00b!” He admits he doesn’t have it, and you finally let
him up to run away, shouting insults over his shoulder.
And now for something completely different!
67
You follow the Gnollish
Crossdresser into a room which
is mostly dominated with a
complex, inert machine. “We
invented this to make breakfast
for us,” he says, “because that’s
what super‐intelligent people do.
But we just can’t make it work.”
You look it over. “Ah, I see,” you say, “this keychain will
fit perfectly between the toaster and the chicken. The
chicken will attack it, because it’s shiny, and then lay an
egg. It’ll fall into this…” you quickly tie the harem pants
across two support poles… “and then roll over to the
stove. But how to light the stove…”
“Yes,” the knoll replies, “if only we had some goofballs…
they go up in flame at the slightest application of heat.”
“Goofballs it is, then!” you put the goofballs under the
stove, where a conveyor belt will bring a match after
dragging it across an old army boot to light it. “Now,
we just need some power.” You notice a bicycle seat and
pedals hooked into the machine. “Hold on just one second.”
You run back to the Seaside Town and grab the friendly
hobo, who willingly goes with you because you gave him
the meat. “How’d you like a steady job?” you ask him,
when you’re both back inside the Knoll.
“Well, I reckon that’d be all right,” he says. “So I just sit
here and pedal? I can do that. S’long as I have full medical
and dental benefits.” He pauses, then laughs. “Nah,
just kiddin’. Just pay me some meat and the occasional
bottle of Mad Train Wine and I’ll be fine.” He rubs his
hands together. “Sure is cold in here, though”
“Take these mittens!” You give
the hobo the eXtreme Mittens.
He starts pedaling and the
machine cooks up two eggs,
sunny‐side up, some toast, and
a side of angst. “Looks like it
needs some fine‐tuning,” the
gnoll says, “but it works! Thank
you, adventurer! Since you
helped us so much, I will tell
you one of the deep dark secrets of the knoll.” He leans
forward and whispers in your ear: “Osborne acted alone.”
“What?”
“Years ago, we found a headless bat
outside of our door. People have
long speculated that its head was
bitten off by two or three people,
possibly with the help of the Penguin
Mafia. But we know the truth –
Osborne acted alone. It is a secret
we only reveal to our closest friends.”
“Okay … I guess I’ll be going, then.”
Congratulations! You’ve employed a hobo, found a Plot
Device, beat up on some nasty monsters, and completed
a quest for the Council! Truly, a choose‐your‐own‐adventurer
is you!
If you had fun playing around with this, do try
http://www.kingdomofloathing.com.
It’s a lot like this, only more interactive, has a chat,
and is harder to set on fire. And it’s as free as
something that doesn’t cost any money!
68
Did you put the lotion in the basket?
70
You wander around the eXtreme Slope for a while, taking
in all of the eXtreme goings‐on. You ride a ski‐lift to the
top of the tallest slope and come across a large group of
teenagers milling around and chatting excitedly. One of
them is standing off to the side with a snowboard under
his arm, looking glum. You ask him what’s up.
“See that fraternity orc over there?” he says “He’s my
bitter arch‐rival. Somehow, I got talked into entering a
snowboarding contest against him, even though he’s the
three‐year snowboarding champion, and I’ve never
ridden one of these things before in my life.
And if I lose, I’ll never win the heart of the
girl I love.”
“Tough break,” you nod, sympathetically.
What you wanna do? Besides being a
baller, shot caller, or brawler, that is.
71
You pat the kid on the shoulder.
“Don’t worry, kid, this slope is easy. Just do some simple
tricks at first to build up power, and then as you pass
that big tree, jump up, grind the branches, and grab the
power‐up. Then you can do an Übertrick.”
“A what?”
“You know, like break‐dancing on the board in mid‐air,
or spinning around upside‐down while hopping on one
foot, or something.”
“I don’t think that’s actually poss…”
“Trust me, kid, it’s simple. You’ll knock ‘em dead.”
Unfortunately, he stumbles on his first jump and rolls
down the slope, collecting snow and speed as he goes.
You dive out of the way as the giant snowball wipes out
the crowd.
“Poor kid,” you think. “If only he hadn’t missed the
powerup.”
72
You stride up past the foothills
of Mt. McLargehuge.
As you leave the foothills
and enter the anklehills,
you stop and breathe in the
fresh mountain air. You feel
a brief sensation that the
mountain is a living entity,
and that it reverberates with
musical sounds. Then that
passes – of course the hills aren’t alive, that’s just silly.
You regard the impressive glaciers and snowy massiveness
of Mt. McLargeHuge with trepidation. Then you
put down the trepidation (where’d you get that stuff,
anyway?) and read the trail guide in front of you. It looks
like you have your choice of three equally unlikely places
to go – three will be the number of the places, and the
number of the places shall be three. One branch ends at
“The Secret Lair of the Ninja Snowmen” (which can’t be
all that secret really, since it’s written on the sign), one
goes around the calfhills of the mountain, across the Orc
Chasm, and into the valley of Rof’Lm’Fao, and one leads
to The eXtreme Slope, a popular hangout for all manner
of eXTREME people doing eXTREME things.
73
You’re fighting a Ninja Snowman… you seem to have
interrupted his lunch break. That’s not a problem though.
as he’s perfectly willing to beat you senseless armed with
only a rice bowl and a pair of chopsticks. And when I say
it’s not a problem, I mean for him. It could very well be a
problem for you.
He gets the jump on you and karate‐chops you in the
back with his twiggy arm. You get a couple of splinters.
And a shredder. Ouch! Ow! Ooooof!
You flail madly with your arms and legs, but can’t connect.
He slashes at you with his chopsticks, and you get
wasabi in your eye. Aaaaaaaaiiiiiieeeee! Owie! Ooof! Yipe
yipe yipe!
You lose the fight. You slink away, dejected and humiliated.
You’ve had the crap beaten out of you. You’re going to
need some more crap. Well, actually, you’re going to
need some skills if you want to beat this guy.
74
You’re fighting a Knob Goblin Master Chef. He could
sauté you, flambé you, or make a roux out of you. You
have no idea what any of those words mean, but they all
sound pretty unpleasant.
He gets the jump on you and kicks it up a notch. and
by “it,” I mean, “your face.” BAM! Ouch! Ow! Ooof!
You remember your training and moxiously poke him
right in the eye. He shouts “Ay yai yai!” and runs away.
You win the fight!
“All right,” you say to the other cowering chefs. “Which
one of you has the Obvious Plot Device? Don’t make me
push you around, ‘cause I will. Oh, I will.”
“I swear, we haven’t seen it,” one of the Chefs says.
“We’re just here for the food, man.” You search the kitchens
and don’t see the Device anywhere. Now what?
75
You stroll around Seaside Town
for a while, taking in the sights.
There’s lots of interesting things to
see, but we’ve only got a few pages
here, so we’ll stick to some of the
highlights.
76
A triffid rises from the bushes, hissing
evilly at you! (For those of you shouting
“What the hell is a Triffid?”, it’s a type
of horrible ambulatory plant. And you’ll
probably need an ambulance after it’s done ambulating all over you.)
It tries to blind you with its tongue‐like appendage, but
to no avail, since somebody apparently forgot to tell it
that you can only be blinded by science.
You concentrate your starchy magic and call forth a
Minor Ray of Bullets, which shred the foul plant‐beast
like… well, like bullets through a plant, really. POW!
BLAM! ZAP!
You win the fight!
You search the area for a while, but don’t find the Obvious
Plot Device. Darn.
This page intentionally left blank, except for these words.
And those other ones down in the corner.
BOOTH #1017
Writing: Josh “Mr. Skullhead” Nite,
Nathan “Riff” Conner
Artwork: Zack “Jick” Johnson
Editing & Layout: Nathan “Riff” Conner
All content copyright © 2006,
Asymmetric Publications, LLC
http://www.kingdomofloathing.com
